Join the Conversation: Honor-Shame Culture in US Cities & Churches

Join the Conversation: Honor-Shame Culture in US Cities & Churches

By Jess Mason, Supervising Editor

Before I had the pleasure of meeting Sang-il Kim, a Ph.D. candidate at BU School of Theology, I thought honor-shame dynamics were limited to specific cultures of the Far East, Middle East, and Africa. I was wrong.

My limited personal experience with honor-shame culture comes from my brief journey to China with a team of pastors. There I witnessed our cross-cultural guide go to an ATM, withdraw a wad of cash, and present it to our Chinese host, after we had unknowingly offended our Chinese friends in some way. She had received our shame and made the culturally appropriate gesture to restore our honor in their eyes.

Last month, Mr. Kim opened my eyes to the surprising levels of honor-shame dynamics now present in US cities, including Boston. Notably, he said that the American face of honor-shame dynamics today goes far beyond immigrants from traditionally honor-shame cultures.

I was inspired to brainstorm with him what it could mean for Boston area pastors—what does it look like to shepherd well amidst this emerging dynamic of honor and shame?

Mr. Kim's full article (below) aims to raise the awareness of Boston Christian leaders to honor-shame culture in their congregations, communities, and theology. EGC invites you to join him for conversation, and consider with others how you might engage honor-shame dynamics to the glory of God. 

Join a Conversation

Thank you for your interest in honor-shame dynamics! I’d love to connect with you! - Sang-il Kim

Sang-il Kim is a doctoral candidate in Practical Theology and Religious Education at Boston University. His dissertation delves into the harmful effects of shame and how teaching and learning Christian doctrines can be an antidote to them. Sang-il plans to balance teaching and research on human emotion and Christian theology, with youth and adult Christian formation in view.

Avoiding Babel: 5 Tips for Spiritually Healthy Collaborations

Avoiding Babel: 5 Tips for Spiritually Healthy Collaborations

By Jess Mason

Does Christian collaboration move us towards God’s ideal of healthy urban life? If we're working together to accomplish a justice-oriented goal, does that mean we’re honoring God’s will and reflecting Christ’s love together? It depends. We may just be building another Tower of Babel.

For Christian leaders, collaboration minus discernment can add up to idolatry.

Babel as Cautionary Tale

The story of the Tower of Babel is the classic Biblical warning against ill-conceived collaborations. A group of people with a common language work together to build a city with a high tower. This endeavor displeases God, who then confuses their language to hinder their cooperation. Why?

While scholars diverge on the exact sin in the Tower of Babel story, the people appeared to be taking collaborative action without openness or obedience to God. Christian leaders have a part to play in the Church avoiding Babel in Boston.

5 Disciplines for Avoiding a Babel Scenario

1. Beware empowerment for empowerment’s sake.

You have to hand it to the people building Babel—at least they weren’t at war with each other. They were in complete harmony, with plans for a shared urban prosperity. What’s wrong with that? Isn’t that what Boston Christian leaders are working for?

“Collaboration minus discernment can add up to idolatry.”

The problem is that humans alone can't fully envision ultimate urban prosperity.

The people of Babel thought they should build a tower to reach God (Babel means "gate of God"). How could they have predicted God’s solution to the distance between God and humankind? They couldn’t know about the coming of Jesus, the cross, or the indwelling Holy Spirit. But God knew.

I attended the third Woven Consultation on Christian Women in Leadership in June. There the Woven team warned us, the would-be ministry collaborators, against shared empowerment for empowerment’s sake.

Setting a tone of spiritual openness for the day, wise leaders warned us against judging the success of the day merely by the creation of action steps. Instead, the Woven team offered us permission NOT to take action if that’s how the Spirit was leading. Alicia Fenton-Greenaway, the founder of Esther Generation, further shared that real progress for Christians means that real progress for Christians means being comfortable with not knowing the outcome of what the Spirit is accomplishing, yet still committing to the process of advancing the work of the Spirit in our souls, groups, or communities.

If we want the highest vision of human thriving for Boston, we'll want to listen together for God’s guidance on what is needed next.

2. Beware action from anger or fear — favor action inspired by love.

What was the motive for building Babel? Partly, the people didn't want to "be scattered over the earth.” The people may have feared a second flood and wanted to fortify themselves against God’s judgment. Or they may have been putting down roots in rebellion against God's command to multiply and fill the earth.

Whether from fear or anger, the people decided together that Babel was their vision of human thriving. 

“Fear, as well as anger, when we look at them in solitude and quiet, reveal to us how deeply our sense of worth is dependent either on our success in the world or on the opinions of others. We suddenly realize we have become what we do or what others think of us.” - Henri Nouwen”

Anger is powerful—it can energize us away from the status quo. But anger alone isn’t a wise guide to strategic action and can lead to counterproductive reactions. We need Christ’s love—for us and for others—to sustain us through the bumpy journey towards lasting change.

Similarly, fear can be useful—to make us aware of risks. But we need Jesus’ love to balance risk with appropriate courage.

Anger and fear can make us, for example, condemn human trafficking. But Christ’s love and guidance are what sustains the exploitation aftercare program Amirah House through their years of steady trauma care and strategic advocacy to bring about systemic change.

3. Beware obsession with branding.

“Come, let’s build ourselves a city and a tower with its top in the heavens so that we may make a name for ourselves.”

“We can trust God to grow our group’s reputation as far as His purposes require.”

In today's culture, churches and Christian organizations create their brand to be clear with the public about what they stand for. But God has not laid on those teams the responsibility to control how prominent their brand becomes, and at what pace.

I ran a non-profit organization for five years under a tremendous weight of needing to build brand recognition. I can attest to how merciless—and distracting—that burden can be. 

We don’t need to be anxious to "make a name" for our ministry. As we’re clear about what we stand for and diligent in what God has led us to do, we can trust God to grow our group’s reputation as far as His purposes require.

4. Beware celebrating new skills and accomplishments without celebrating growth in Christian character.

The people building Babel were innovators. They developed the technology for bricks, an advancement over stone construction. They had design thinkers with big visions, who could oversee the building of the largest edifice ever conceived.

God didn’t deny their skill or potential—in fact, God declared that nothing would be impossible for them once they set their mind to it.

But nowhere in this story do the people mention developing in character or wisdom. They wanted to grow in size, in prominence, in technology, but not in human maturity or godliness.

My friend Smita Donthamsetty worked for 20 years in Christian microfinance around the world. Her training materials are translated and contextualized into the local cultures of Peru, the Philippines, the Dominican Republic, India, Togo, Mali, and other countries.  

A key factor to the success of her trainings was balancing skill training and character development. Those who participated in her micro-savings groups learned about financial accountability and discipleship simultaneously. They discussed their broken relationship with God and others, and their new hope through Christ, as they explored treating money differently.

Smita admits that progress in those groups happens more slowly than organizations just teaching financial tools. But the balanced groups continue to this day to self-replicate and sustainably transform lives and communities through Christ-centered stewardship and microfinance.

As Christian leaders, we need to affirm that every shared endeavor is an opportunity for spiritual deepening. Foster and celebrate both the spiritual—as well as the concrete—impacts of your work together in the city.

5. Beware brainstorming and decision-making with no discernment practices.

Even when our teams are made entirely of Christians, our brainstorming and decision-making don’t automatically represent God’s priorities. Perfunctory opening prayers to “cover” the process are not enough.

How quickly our hearts can forget, as we develop momentum and build partner agreement, what it means to be a Christian leader. God isn’t calling us to merely guide others in soldiering on for Jesus, reaching out to God in occasional moments of uncertainty or need. Christian leadership nudges others to walk with Jesus continually.

One of the jobs of a Christian leader in a group setting is to create opportunities to listen to the Spirit. Then we can all, as God gives grace, take part in what the Spirit is accomplishing in the city. For example:

• prepare a tone-setting devotional to address your group's human need for a transition into a sacred space

• normalize pausing for prayer, especially when anyone senses the group might be forcing a false clarity before its time.

• foster active stillness—that inner state of self-control that allows us to deliberately listen and honor God instead of just riding group momentum.

• model a group culture of surrender to the Spirit, submitting any assumptions or plans to His greater wisdom.

“As Christians, God is forever our First Stakeholder.”

My supervisor, Stacie, will shamelessly call on Jesus in the middle of a team meeting. In mid-thought, eyes open, she’ll say something like: “So team, here are ten things we could accomplish in the coming month... (Sigh) Dear Jesus. We need your help! Guide us, help us get out of your way, help us hear what’s important to you. We love you, Amen.”  

She makes it normal for us to do that. So she makes it natural for our team to need Jesus—and to include Jesus—in everything.

Shared cooperation with the Spirit is at the very heart of building God’s Kingdom on earth. In nonprofit work, we learn ways to gather input from stakeholders. As Christians, God is forever our First Stakeholder.

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JESS MASON

As a Ministry Innovation Strategist at EGC, Jess enjoys contributing to EGC's effectiveness in serving the Church in Boston. A former licensed minister, Jess is a spiritual director and Christian Formation Chair at her church. She loves to see God’s goodness revealed to and through Christians.

HOW ARE WE DOING?

Emotional Intelligence for Ministry Collaboration

Emotional Intelligence for Ministry Collaboration

By Jess Mason

I sometimes find collaborative work agitating. My temperament enjoys the satisfaction of extended focus, of flowing through tasks in solitude.

But I also find collaboration exciting and hopeful. As a results-focused person, I have to face facts—healthy collaboration yields better outcomes. For me, collaboration means taking part in a greater story, rather than being the hero of a small one.

I don’t mean to imply that all work needs to be done in groups. Focused, solo work has value. In fact, without the depth of individual thought, groupthink can yield outcomes that are driven by personality dynamics instead of shared insight.

But extended solo work can sometimes give a false sense of progress. As well-meaning leaders, we can unknowingly hinder our own goals if we’re not in conversation with other players in the larger system in which we’re working.

Collaboration Requires New Skills

David Stroh reminds us that good systems thinkers engage in "continuous communication" with partners. Communication with partners is usually full of unpredictable challenges, so it can feel surprisingly messy and slow. But the fruits of that communication can yield multiplied benefits.

Connecting well with partners also requires our willingness to be humble. In shared learning, we open ourselves up to ways we’ve been blind—where our efforts might have been ineffective, or even counterproductive. Healthy collaborators foster a gracious environment and celebrate shared learning—from failure and success alike.

Not surprisingly, healthy collaboration requires more emotional effort and social skill than solo work. Fortunately, these skills can be learned. I’d like to share what I’m learning at EGC. Here I explore six social skills relevant to any ministry collaboration.

6 Social Skills for Healthy Ministry Collaboration

1. Prepare to be more gracious than you think you’ll need to be.

At times partners may seem inconsiderate or disrespectful. Assume first that they’re well-intentioned, but unaware, and share your concerns accordingly. Similarly, whenever partners appear hostile, assume first that they are afraid or feeling insecure, and respond with solidarity.

Prepare yourself mentally to be ready to respond to human needs as they surface. While you may capture participant ideas on shared spaces, you may also want to have a private space, paper or electronic, for noting the dynamics you observe, so you can plan to respond when the moment is right.

When someone sounds insistent or repetitive even after their thoughts are captured, use brief, affirming statements, such as “I hear that”. When emotions get more intense, you can say , “I can tell this is important to you”, and reflect back what you’re hearing them say.  

You don’t need to co-opt the entire meeting every time someone expresses an emotion. But making people feel seen, heard, and empowered within the purpose of the meeting is, in fact, the main purpose of meetings.  

When significant issues arise that are beyond the scope of the meeting, make shared plans to follow up at another time.

2. Communicate to learn together, not to perform.

Don’t wonder whether you’re still in a learning phase together—you are. Instead, ask yourself what kind of learning is important now. As David Stroh said, “Learning is a better stance than knowing.”

You may be engaged in learning about the wider system and collaborators’ current efforts. You may have advanced to what strategies are having positive impact, or about the unintended negative consequences of past efforts. Throughout your work you’ll keep learning the quirks of various collaborators and organizations you are working with—what tends to activate vs. shut down certain people in your network.

Don’t be surprised—there’s always more to learn from your partners, and others can expect to continue to learn from you. Mentally prepare yourself before partner meetings with the attitude of a learner.

3. Prepare FOR listening well.

We build trust when others feel heard; we build motivation when people feel empowered. Logistically prepare, both to hear people, and to foster doable actions.

Prepare logistical tools to capture insights, value diverse voices, and display agreed-upon points for action.

If you are not an auditory learner, plan to jot down notes so you can listen well. If you’re the planner for a group time, some version of a mutually visible workspace like a board, a giant post-it (or their electronic analogues) with a designated note-taker is key. If you’re the note taker, try to capture the essence of what you’re hearing, and discipline yourself not to “correct” it in that moment. Follow meetings up with a "What We Learned Together” communication.

A concrete plan for quality listening can transform chaotic time-wasting into sensible empowerment.

4. Practice strategies to calm down.

Interpersonal communication can be powerful, subtle, and complex. If we rush it or force it, we may miss what’s really being shared. If we charge forward in an unchecked adrenaline mode, we may even foster pathological communication by triggering fight, flight, or freeze behavior in others or ourselves.

Some strategies to calm down in shared learning settings include:

• Slow down your words and body.

• Take several long, deep breaths, until you feel a tension release in your body.

• Lower the volume or tone of your voice to invite calm in others.

• If you feel yourself in knee-jerk reaction mode, pause to make a note.

• If you find yourself ruminating on past events, take a moment to focus your mind and senses back in the present moment. Notice the sounds, smells, sights, and sensations in the present moment.

• Acknowledge strong emotions respectfully and appropriately, according to the culture.

• Ask for a group break with a tone of respect for group well-being.

• Thank the group for their time and courage, acknowledging they are taking part in difficult but worthy work.

• Reset your shared goal for the day. Tensions can run high under time pressure. If the group agrees to adjust their expectations, you can finish together with a sense of empowerment.

5. Accept that people wear different hats.

Collaborators are not interchangeable—we each bring a different temperament, set of skills, and scope of concern. See if you recognize any of the following characters in your community:

• She brings information but doesn’t suggest action; he does the reverse.

• He’s a systems thinker and big vision strategist. She holds the group accountable to brass tacks for realistic action in realtime.

• He’s a relational bridge builder, who keeps the entire collaboration sustainable, but doesn't give concrete input.

• She processes information quickly, and may sometimes jump ahead to conclusions; he processes what he’s learning over time and comes back with solid buy-in.

• He contributes by asking thoughtful questions, she by suggesting solutions.

• She’s primarily thinking of the needs of stakeholders in the community, while he’s focused on the needs of the team in the room.

• These two people can put on whatever hat you ask them to, for the purpose of the meeting.

Not everyone needs to weigh in on every part of the conversation. Certainly if there are objections, those need to be heard. But don’t feel the need to get everyone to the same level of understanding and buy-in at every turn. If there are no objections, feel free to move forward as a group.

6. Set achievable expectations for what success looks like.

Prepare the group for this “messier” vision of what healthy consensus on a diverse team looks like. At the beginning of partner meetings, verbally set everyone free from any unhelpful expectations you think they might bring.

Make it a practice to retrain the team’s source of satisfaction. Instead of hoping for everything to go swimmingly, invite people to notice solid, forward momentum amidst real challenges.

With shared expectations, together you’ll be able to recognize and celebrate successful collaboration when it’s happening.

TAKE ACTION

observe a healthy collaboration in action.

Take any opportunity you have to be a participant-observer in a healthy collaboration environment. During and after the experience, make note of how key partners contributed to healthy collaboration.

Disclaimer: We all go astray at times—we all have bad days. So as you observe, don’t focus on judging “troublemakers”. Instead, focus on how healthy collaborators respond to bring the group forward together.

If you have the opportunity for professional development conversation, discuss what you’re learning with your coach or mentor.

FEEL FREE TO Connect with me with questions or comments!

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Jess Mason is a former licensed minister and spiritual director. She is currently a ministry innovation strategist in Applied Research & Consulting at EGC, and the chair of Christian Formation at a church in Jamaica Plain. Her passion is to see God’s goodness revealed to and through Christian leaders and pillars in the Boston area.

Why Christian Activists Wait For God

Why Christian Activists Wait for God

by Jess Mason

Christian social activists are a busy bunch. They’re action-oriented, and the world never lacks work for those concerned with the suffering, the marginalized, and the oppressed. But if Christian social activists run on the same steam as everyone else, they’re not actually making Christ’s difference in the world.

At a worship gathering of over 30 EGC leaders and social activists, the worship leader posed the question, “In all that we have going on, what’s the value of waiting for God?” I was moved by the breadth of responses. I felt it such a rare privilege to be in the company of so much gathered wisdom that I wanted to give other Christian leaders in Boston a taste.

I pray that these perspectives encourage you in your waiting for God—possibly the most strategic action we can take to make a lasting difference in the city.

Nika Elugardo, Chief Growth Officer

I feel personally transported to another dimension when I move into a quiet space of recognizing God's presence. In those moments, it's not that I am invited into God's reality, but that I invite myself into an awareness of reality itself.

This deeper awareness seems to unlock the constraints of our physical world and release God—who seems to restrain himself by the very laws he created—to be who he is in this (our) world, where our sin has closed us off to him. It’s in stillness and quiet that new buds of faith flower.

Brian Gearin, EGC Missionary

We wait for God so that we can "be with Him" and know His purposes for each issue we face. I think that He desires us to "know Him" and respond to issues with His guidance.

Liza Cagua-Koo, Assistant Director

I wait for God for the same reasons I ask my kids to wait for me.

First, it's dangerous without me—There's a street to be crossed ahead! Also, I want them to value that staying together is more important than getting something done, or getting there first—No one gets left behind! The importance of togetherness with God can't be overestimated. He waits for us, though we often think we're having to wait for him!

When I am the one having to wait for my kids, when I see how small they are, or how much practice it takes to learn something, I am reminded of how patient and steadfast God is with my own growth. He never leaves me behind. He waits for me.

When I wait on him, I become present to those realities, which in turn fills my tank for being able to wait on others—and be patient with myself—as we all travel this pilgrim road.

Sarah Blumenshine, Co-Director of Greater Boston Refugee Ministry

Waiting puts us in a posture of receiving. God is the main actor, and we act as we receive direction. Waiting trains us to discern his voice. It requires us to back away from our impulses and evaluate, “Is this God leading, or is it me, or something else?"

Caleb McCoy, Development Manager

God is outside of time. Waiting on him helps us to reconnect with the mystery of His timing and submit our plans to his will.

Jeffrey Murray, Director of Operations

Any response or action taken without waiting before God runs the risk of being idolatrous. We are— intentionally or unintentionally—elevating our thought processes and plans above God's intentions.

God's commandment clearly instructs us, “You shall have no other gods before me" (Ex 20:3, Deut 5:7; NIV). To take action (i.e. move, do, respond, etc.) prior to—and thus outside of—seeking God's will is a way of going against his instructions for us.

Jeff Bass, Executive Director

In 1 Kings, Elijah is running from God. God comes to meet him, but not right away. God was not in the wind, the earthquake, or the fire. He came after, quietly. Elijah had to wait to experience him that day.

God's timing is often not our timing. We want things now, but God's plans take time. God called David to be King, and Samuel anointed him. But he didn't get to be king until years later, after Saul was removed. We need to wait if we want to stay connected with God's plans.

Gregg Detwiler - Director of Intercultural Ministries

Waiting on God is a gift from God—it’s rest for our souls.

In God’s presence, we also become more self-aware of our inner world, the broken and darker parts of our being, and our motivations. There we can submit our lives and our plans to God to lay them in his hands, so that we can give him glory for anything good that comes out of our action.

Even youths get tired and weary; even strong young men clumsily stumble. But those who wait for the Lord’s help find renewed strength. They rise up as if they had eagles’ wings. They run without growing weary. They walk without getting tired. - Isaiah 40:30-31 (NET)

Sarah Dunham, Former Director of Abolitionist Network

Waiting on God helps us remember that we are not in control. We need to stop striving, and running around trying to make things happen.

Once we step back and remember who is really in control, then we can really join God in what He is doing. Christian social action is not about a frenzy of doing things for God—it’s knowing God, and allowing him to work in and through us.

Elijah Mickelson, Director of Communications

We see in part, God sees the whole.

RESPOND

The Psalms Vigil

Waiting on God is both healthy and strategic. The Psalms Vigil is a simple, ancient practice that helps focus our hearts with God. I have found the Psalms Vigil to be a powerful form of active waiting on God. The vigil has a simple, three-part rhythm:

1. Read a psalm.

2. Talk or journal to God about any emotions or issues come up in your heart from what you’ve read.

3. Rest in silence for anything else the Holy Spirit may want to do in your heart.

When you feel ready, you can move on to a new psalm, repeating the three-part rhythm with as many different psalms as you like. 

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Contact Jess Mason

Jess Mason is a former licensed minister and spiritual director. She is currently a ministry innovation strategist in Applied Research & Consulting at EGC, and the chair of Christian Formation at a church in Jamaica Plain. Her passion is to see God’s goodness revealed to and through Christian leaders and pillars in the Boston area.